Twittiquette: How To Suck At Twitter

Here are ten quick and easy things you can do to suck really hard at Twitter. Want to create a social network that absolutely loathes your presence? Follow this simple guide and you’ll have alienated your entire fan base in the span of just a few tweets, unfollows, and DMs! 

1) Post your follow/unfollow stats EVERY DAY! You can do this easily by signing up with a free app that automatically tweets out how many people unfollowed and followed you that day. By broadcasting your stats, you’ll make sure everyone knows just how much of a prick you are. 

2) Don’t ever retweet anything! Make sure to only manually retweet things. After all, brilliance can only come from your fingers, right? 

3) Don’t follow anyone back. You need to let your audience know that you’re superior to them by refusing to engage them or listen to their tweets. Remember, YOU’RE the only content-creating douchebag on Twitter. Maintain that superiority.  

4) Tell everyone how to get more followers! 

5) Auto-DM everyone who follows you and ask them to buy your product or like your Facebook page! This is a surefire way to gain enmity and hatred from the Twittersphere – especially if you’ve already followed Step 3. Make sure you don’t respond to anyone who responds to DMs. That shows care and consideration to your new followers, which is unhelpful when your goal is alienation and hostility.

6) Unfollow all your original followers. Now that you’re the King/Queen of Douchery, you don’t need them, right? Boot those peons out where they belong – into orbit around your greatness. 

7) Don’t tweet more than once or twice a day. Your brilliant words ought to be treasured by your peons, so the fewer you give out, the more valuable they’ll be. 

8) Forget that the @ button even exists. Communication is only for lesser mortals – you don’t need to have actual conversations with your followers. 

9) Make sure to tweet only five-star reviews of your latest product. Do it again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

10) Retweet yourself! There’s no surer way to claim the throne of douchebaggery than by retweeting your own posts. 

Have you followed these steps to ensure you’re sucking really hard at Twitter? If yes, congratulations! It’s time to anticipate the next post in this series – How Not To Suck Really Hard At Twitter. But in the meantime, enjoy your hard-earned status as the King or Queen of Douchery on Twitter! 

(Special thanks go out to @DrewChial, whose brilliant post about self-promotion as digital panhandling not only deserves a mention here but also inspired this post. You can see his article here.)